vince vaughn wedding crashers motorboat

32 Wedding Crashers Quotes That Still Make Me Laugh

Nearly 20 years after it was released, it's still hilarious.

In the 2000s, there was no bigger brand in comedy than what was being delivered by the Frat Pack ( Ben Stiller , Owen Wilson , Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell , Steve Carell , Jack Black , and Vince Vaughn ), and Wedding Crashers is one of the greatest examples of that era. Years after its release, it remains as funny as ever – due both to a terrific script and amazing performances – and we’ve put together this feature celebrating the special lines that are funny no matter how many times you watch the movie.

“You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!”

There are times when one can get so angry that their capacity to put together cogent thoughts completely fails. This line, as delivered by the great Rebecca De Mornay, is a perfect example of this, and it is the first big laugh in Wedding Crashers .

“We lost a lot of good men out there.” “Playing for the Yankees?”

It’s hinted at in the first act of Wedding Crashers that John Beckwith (Owen Wilson) isn’t as into the titular activity as he once was. Not only does this weird slip-up add evidence of these feelings, but it’s also a great mid-montage joke that John successfully rebounds from with aplomb.

“He lived with mother until he was 40! She tried to poison his oatmeal!”

It’s set up early on that Chazz Reinhold is a chaotic individual (a reputation to which he eventually lives up), as John’s declarative statement about him really tells you everything that you need to know about the man and how he lives.

“I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes; I love it on pizza. I love to take a little bit and put it in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?”

The early exchange between John and Jeremy about their cover story – the latter pitching that they be the owners of a maple syrup conglomerate – is wonderfully illustrative of the brilliant chemistry between Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. The former’s razzle-dazzle about his syrup expertise is ridiculous, and it gets an equally silly response.

“Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula!”

Why does John call Jeremy “Count Chocula” at the end of his burn regarding outlandish ideas for a cover story? There is no real answer, but it doesn’t matter, because that line gets a chuckle with every viewing of Wedding Crashers .

“Whatever! Make me a bicycle, clown!”

Jeremy has a big personality, and one gets the sense that it’s hard to put him back on his heels… but that’s exactly what happens when he tries his balloon-twisting gambit and runs into an intense young boy.

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“I always knew my first time would be on a beach!”

With those 11 words from Gloria Cleary, Jeremy Grey’s wedding crashing adventure becomes an absolute nightmare, and Isla Fisher ’s delivery initiates a cackle every time. If Jeremy’s story is a roller coaster in Wedding Crashers , that’s equivalent to the first big drop.

“I don’t think you’re appreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin, she’s totally off the reservation! I’m terrified of this broad”

The intense fear that Vince Vaughn gets across in his urgency to hit the ejector seat from the Cleary wedding is gold that would properly fit in a horror movie.

“Oh please. You and I both know I’m a phenomenal dancer. Now I know you’re lying through your teeth. You’ll do anything to get me to go on this thing. Even if I have to walk into the lion’s den.”

Jeremy might be petrified of the possibility he might be trapped for a weekend with Gloria Cleary, but he is a man of integrity who will clearly never tolerate someone besmirching his talent for dancing.

“She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.”

At the start of Wedding Crashers , time has slowly siphoned all of the fun of crashing weddings from John Beckwith, but in Jeremy’s case, it’s quickly drained from him.

“I’m not even going to say it, but you know I’m upset.”

If I had to wear those golf pants, I would be upset too.

“That’s what we call a sack lunch! Nomnomnomnomnom.”

Sack Lodge and his cronies are a bunch of jerks who inspire more teeth-grinding in Wedding Crashers than laughs, but Carson Elrod’s delivery as Flip following Jeremy being tackled in the football game is indisputably hilarious.

“Yeah! Crabcakes and Football. That's what Maryland does!”

I really have to give it up to Flip. The guy knows how to properly celebrate overkill aggression during a backyard game of touch football.

“If I had any air in my lungs, I’d scream at you.”

Poor, Jeremy. He just wanted to have some fun, and instead, he finds himself hooking up with a lunatic and regularly getting pummeled to the ground all in the name of being a good wingman. He’s a trooper.

“Gloria, please. I'm exhausted. I've had a very long day... my leg's cut and bleeding. I'm really not in the mood for this.”

Is Jeremy a cad who lies to women? Yes. Is some of what he experiences during his weekend with the Clearys an example of karmic, deserved retribution? Certainly.  But boy, does Vince Vaughn sell pained exhaustion well for laughs.

“Don’t ever leave me. Because I’d find you!”

It’s clear that something is wrong with Gloria from the outset – with behavior like holding her breath and stamping when she doesn’t get her way with her father – but this is the line where she goes from being a weirdo to a terror.

“Pervert!”

When you think about it, Gloria Cleary is very obviously the daughter of Kathleen Cleary (Jane Seymour) – as evidenced by the bizarre, seductive cat-and-mouse game that she plays with John throughout their weekend together.

“Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?”

A big part of what sells this line is Jeremy’s mood change. At the start of their conversation, he is wholly drained and seemingly ready to collapse, but the simple mention of Kathleen coming on to John brings him back to life.

“I’m a little too traumatized to have a scone.”

This line is extra funny when you consider the heaping plateful of food he puts together after arriving in the kitchen the morning after the roughest night of his life. He can eat (especially if it’s all covered in his favorite condiment: maple syrup), but scones are just too much after his traumatic experience with Gloria and her family.

“I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.”

It’s nice to know that Jeremy recognizes the importance of good mental health. The guy clearly has a lot of issues before we meet him in the story, but one can especially understand why he would need to talk to a professional following his weekend with the Clearys.

“I mean like, hunt a human being right now, ‘Most Dangerous Game.’ Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.”

I’m not going to lie: if this line were to be used as a jumping off point to create a ridiculous 20-years-later sequel to Wedding Crashers , you would not hear a single complaint coming from me. In fact, I downright hope it happens.

“I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!”

There’s an argument to be made that John doesn’t ultimately show nearly enough respect for Jeremy in Wedding Crashers … but Jeremy sure does whine a lot (though the talent of Vince Vaughn makes it hilarious).

“Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win!”

Another line that could be the platform for a Wedding Crashers follow-up. Jeremy Grey is a fascinating individual, and the brief insights we get into his wild mind are amazing. I’d watch This Is 40 -esque sequel that centers on Jeremy and Gloria’s relationship that is structured with flashback sequences that show their origins – including Jeremy’s bond with Shiloh.

“The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.”

If I were Jeremy, I perhaps wouldn’t want to keep a souvenir from one of the weirdest, most traumatic nights of my life, but it’s very clear that he is wired differently.

“She hasn't returned your phone calls, she hasn't responded to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the thing. I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.”

Vince Vaughn’s rapid fire delivery is best utilized when he can get on a run, and this bit from Jeremy as he tries to get John over his crush on Claire is the actor at the peak of his game.

“Listen, I’m getting married.” “Get out.”

A lot of credit goes to director David Dobkin and editor Mark Livolsi with this one. John’s instantaneous response to Jeremy’s “good” news is top-notch comedic timing aided by smart comedic minds working on the film in post-production.

“I almost nunchucked you. You don’t even realize.”

Will Ferrell was a cameo king in the 2000s, and Wedding Crashers is among his best surprise appearances. His serious arrival out of the shadows is excellent, but then he provides a tension breaker that is somehow both a relief and a red flag.

“Ma! The meatloaf!”

I have to imagine that this is a line that is quoted around the world whenever meatloaf is served. It might be the most quotable Wedding Crashers quote.

“I'm sorry I called you white trash.” “Apology accepted.” “And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means.”

This is not only a funny exchange because of the Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn banter, but because it’s (unbeknownst to John and Jeremy) a callback to the verbal tussle between Rebecca De Mornay and Dwight Yoakam’s characters in the film’s opening scene.

“I crashed a funeral earlier. It wasn’t my idea, I was basically dragged to it. I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.”

The shock that this admission sends through the audience is fully earned. It’s a wildly horrible thing to do, and though it’s funny to witness as a viewer, it’s questionable that Claire instantly forgives him for the atrocious behavior.

“Share that with the Dalai Lama.”

Funny as it may be to see Jeremy get violently tackled in the game of touch football in Wedding Crashers , it is also immensely satisfying to not only see him get his revenge, but to deliver a sharp line to pair with his hit.

“So damn beautiful. With every death there comes rebirth. It’s the circle of life. We’re gonna be alright.”

Using a wedding to further heighten the emotions of a woman picked up while in mourning at a funeral? Chazz might be a moralless sociopath, but there is no arguing that the man is an artist at his horrible, horrible craft.

Wedding Crashers is available for purchase on Blu-ray and DVD, and it is available for rental and purchase on a wide variety of digital platforms.

Eric Eisenberg is the Assistant Managing Editor at CinemaBlend. After graduating Boston University and earning a bachelor’s degree in journalism, he took a part-time job as a staff writer for CinemaBlend, and after six months was offered the opportunity to move to Los Angeles and take on a newly created West Coast Editor position. Over a decade later, he's continuing to advance his interests and expertise. In addition to conducting filmmaker interviews and contributing to the news and feature content of the site, Eric also oversees the Movie Reviews section, writes the the weekend box office report (published Sundays), and is the site's resident Stephen King expert. He has two King-related columns.

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Wedding Crashers (2005)

Vince vaughn: jeremy grey.

• Photos (37)
• Quotes (87)

Photos 

Quotes 

Jeremy Grey : I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

John Beckwith : Soft mattress?

Jeremy Grey : Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.

John Beckwith : Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.

Jeremy Grey : Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.

[people in the next row turn round and stare at Jeremy] 

John Beckwith : Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.

Jeremy Grey : Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.

Sack Lodge : I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?

Jeremy Grey : Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

Todd Cleary : Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!

Jeremy Grey : The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.

John Beckwith : Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.

Jeremy Grey : Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.

John Beckwith : I wasn't crying like a little girl.

Jeremy Grey : Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?

[makes sputtering motorboat noise] 

Jeremy Grey : You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?

John Beckwith : What's wrong with you?

Jeremy Grey : What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?

John Beckwith : No, what's wrong with you?

Jeremy Grey : No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!

John Beckwith : Drop it.

Jeremy Grey : You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

John Beckwith : Drop it!

[starts walking away] 

Jeremy Grey : Team player!

Jeremy Grey : Todd, I notice you haven't even touched your food yet.

Todd Cleary : I don't eat meat or fish.

Grandma Mary Cleary : He's a homo.

John Beckwith : Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.

Claire Cleary : And pathetic.

John Beckwith : Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.

Jeremy Grey : [mutters]  Oh Jesus.

John Beckwith : It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.

[to Jeremy] 

John Beckwith : I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.

Claire Cleary : John!

John Beckwith : I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.

Jeremy Grey : I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!

[John has just referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead] 

Jeremy Grey : How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.

John Beckwith : Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.

Jeremy Grey : Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!

Jeremy Grey : [confessing to Father O'Neil]  You wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right, maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win!

Randolph : [In unrated version]  You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?

Jeremy Grey : Jam, I...

Randolph : Listen man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.

Jeremy Grey : You could not be more wrong about what's happening here...

Randolph : Just be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing 90.

Jeremy Grey : Jesus Christ!

Janice : I've got the perfect girl for you!

Jeremy Grey : [sigh]  Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.

Janice : Okay...

Jeremy Grey : OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.

John Beckwith : Sorry I'm late.

Jeremy Grey : No problem.

John Beckwith : I'm sorry I called you white trash.

Jeremy Grey : Apology accepted.

John Beckwith : And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means.

Jeremy Grey : John, it's OK. Do you mind if I get married now?

John Beckwith : You better lock it up.

Jeremy Grey : No, you lock it up!

John Beckwith : You lock it up!

Jeremy Grey : You lock it up!

Jeremy Grey : Lock it up!

Bratty Kid : I want a bicycle.

Jeremy Grey : Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?

Bratty Kid : I just want a bicycle!

Jeremy Grey : Why... why are you yelling at me?

Bratty Kid : Make me a bicycle, clown!

Jeremy Grey : All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.

Bratty Kid : Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.

Jeremy Grey : [later]  Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.

Jeremy Grey : Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin' to make it honest, I get it...

Jeremy Grey : [about Gloria]  She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.

Jeremy Grey : Does anyone know what this here is used for?

Little Boy : Rollin' a fatty?

Jeremy Grey : No... Not for... Where'd you learn that?

Jeremy Grey : Have you even shot one of these things before?

John Beckwith : The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!

Jeremy Grey : I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?

John Beckwith : I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?

Jeremy Grey : That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.

John Beckwith : That's a little heavy.

Jeremy Grey : I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.

Jeremy Grey : Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

Hindu Woman : [while dancing at a wedding reception]  French Foreign Legion?

John Beckwith : Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.

[cut to another reception] 

Bridesmaid : Mount Everest?

Jeremy Grey : I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.

John Beckwith : We lost so many good men out there.

Bridesmaid : Playing with the Yankees?

John Beckwith : Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.

Sack Lodge : What's this, uh, company called?

Jeremy Grey : [Screaming because Gloria is secretly masturbating him to the end; climaxing]  HOLY SHI...

John Beckwith : [Thinking fast]  Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right?

Jeremy Grey : A friend in need is a pest.

Jeremy Grey : Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?

Gloria Cleary : What?

Jeremy Grey : That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from 'What's Happening,' the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote 'Catcher in the Rye,' Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We're all one.

Claire Cleary : So is it just about the money?

John Beckwith : No no, it's about, uh, investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.

Sack Lodge : Well, like what? Give me an example.

John Beckwith : Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew, then um... make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.

Jeremy Grey : [fumbling his words because Gloria is giving him a hand job under the dinner table]  People - People helping people.

Claire Cleary : That's - that's very admirable.

John Beckwith : Thank you. Although, don't make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,

[motions to Jeremy] 

John Beckwith : Lap dancers for the big guy here.

Jeremy Grey : [laughing pleasurably]  Oh, ha ha ha, he's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.

Jeremy Grey : Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal!

Jeremy Grey : I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.

Jeremy Grey : Gloria, I apologize to you as I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, 'Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really... And when am i supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night." Do you do like to ass-out hug? Where you like... you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips?

Jeremy Grey : I'm getting married.

John Beckwith : Get out.

[Points at the door] 

Jeremy Grey : But you just said you were happy...

John Beckwith : I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.

Jeremy Grey : You said the book wasn't yours.

John Beckwith : Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.

Jeremy Grey : [Trying to have sex on the bathroom toilet]  Gloria please I'm exhausted, I've had a very long day I had your sister's boyfriend dry hump me up and down the field all afternoon my leg's cut and bleeding I'm really not in the mood for this

Gloria Cleary : [Slaps his open wound]  JESUS CHRIST

Gloria Cleary : My father warned me about people like you Jeremy, I'm just another notch on your belt

Jeremy Grey : What are you talking about? It's not like that

Gloria Cleary : [about to spray rubbing alcohol on his wound]  Then what's it like Jeremy?

Jeremy Grey : [Panicking]  NO WAIT I just feel very strongly that we're starting only to expressing ourselves in a physically sexual specifically way and I just want to play some "catch-up" on finding who's inside here

[pointing to his heart] 

Gloria Cleary : Jeremy, you're amazing

Jeremy Grey : I think you're amazing

Gloria Cleary : Don't "ever" leave me

Jeremy Grey : Ever

Gloria Cleary : Good. Because I'd find you

Jeremy Grey : I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.

[to impress Gloria, Jeremy has been making balloon models for the children] 

Gloria Cleary : You're good.

Jeremy Grey : I'm just warming up. Last week I did an exact replica, to scale, of Wrigley Field. Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it.

Gloria Cleary : OK then, I'll take a sports car.

Jeremy Grey : How about a dance?

Gloria Cleary : That's what I really wanted.

John Beckwith : I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?

Jeremy Grey : John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.

Jeremy Grey : [on the phone with Gloria]  Bunch those panties up into a little ball, and put that little ball right in your mouth. Oh, yeah...

[John walks in] 

Jeremy Grey : And, um, yeah. I will definitely call you back later, then. I'll talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.

[hangs up] 

Jeremy Grey : I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?

John Beckwith : God, wouldn't that be sweet?

Jeremy Grey : Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you?

John Beckwith : All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and let's move on.

Jeremy Grey : Get out there and get some strange ass.

Jeremy Grey : Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket! Rule #115!

[Jeremy's hands and feet are tied to the bed] 

Secretary Cleary : Are you okay in here?

Jeremy Grey : I was just having a bad dream.

Jeremy Grey : Okay, what's our back story?

John Beckwith : We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.

Jeremy Grey : I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.

John Beckwith : Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.

Jeremy Grey : I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

Jeremy Grey : I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.

Jeremy Grey : That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me.

John Beckwith : Wow, now that you mention it, it *is* half full.

Jeremy Grey : Listen, I'm getting married.

[points at the door] 

Jeremy Grey : What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me, that I...

Jeremy Grey : You said that the book wasn't yours.

John Beckwith : Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine. But I glanced at it.

Jeremy Grey : John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.

John Beckwith : Kindly leave!

Jeremy Grey : I'm try...

John Beckwith : [cuts him off; whispers]  Kindly leave.

Jeremy Grey : Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go.

John Beckwith : I think we've got a crier.

Jeremy Grey : No shot.

John Beckwith : 20 bucks.

Jeremy Grey : Make it 40.

[Bride at alter bursts into tears] 

Jeremy Grey : [watching Gloria coming up the aisle]  Hello, Red! Dibs.

John Beckwith : [watching Claire coming up the aisle]  She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you.

Father O'Neil : And now for our next reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.

John Beckwith : 20 bucks, First Corinthians.

Jeremy Grey : Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12.

Gloria Cleary : And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.

Jeremy Grey : Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.

Gloria Cleary : Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.

Jeremy Grey : Really?

Gloria Cleary : Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?

Jeremy Grey : I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.

Gloria Cleary : [Overwhelmed with emotion and happiness. Ecstatic]  Oh Jeremy, I do!

Jeremy Grey : I love you.

Gloria Cleary : I love you.

John Beckwith : Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?

Jeremy Grey : I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids. And then when she comes close to check it out, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How about you?

John Beckwith : I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's book club.

Jeremy Grey : It's all deadly.

Jeremy Grey : She hasn't returned your phone calls, she hasn't responded to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the goddamn thing. I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.

John Beckwith : [about Chazz]  He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!

Jeremy Grey : Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!

[Gloria is treating Jeremy's badly cut leg] 

Jeremy Grey : Oh Jesus Christ, it burns.

Gloria Cleary : Poor baby.

Jeremy Grey : It stings.

Gloria Cleary : You want me to blow on it?

Jeremy Grey : [thinking it's a blow job]  No! No! I don't need any blowing.

Gloria Cleary : Jeremy... I'm not wearin' any panties. Let's rock!

[Gloria spins her hair around] 

Jeremy Grey : Ok. Ok. That was nice. I don't understand what's going on. It's like, eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin, and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to catch up with you here.

Gloria Cleary : You do that to me? Ooh...

[she grabs Jeremy's crotch] 

Gloria Cleary : Where's my little friend? Where's my little friend?

Jeremy Grey : [panicking]  He's tired! He's tired! He's in time-out! He's in time-out!

Jeremy Grey : He's the best man.

Todd Cleary : We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?

Jeremy Grey : No! No! We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!

Jeremy Grey : John? I need to see you right away. It's important.

John Beckwith : [Walking into Jeremy's office]  What's going on?

Jeremy Grey : [sighs]  We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season, kid!

John Beckwith : You sandbaggin' son of a bitch!

Jeremy Grey : I've got us down for 17 of them already.

John Beckwith : Okay, now how many of them have cash bars?

Jeremy Grey : Great question. I like where your head's at and two of them actually are, but I got us covered: Purple hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.

John Beckwith : Oh, yeah. Perfect.

Jeremy Grey : We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.

John Beckwith : And who's gonna be there to catch them?

Jeremy Grey : Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season?

[Jeremy raises his hand] 

John Beckwith : Mr. Grey?

Jeremy Grey : Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?

[shimmy-shakes] 

John Beckwith : Bingo! I'm gonna get my suit. Now who are we this time?

Father O'Neil : As you know, Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. In that light, they have elected to exchange vows which they themselves have written.

Craig : I, Craig, take you, Christina, to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate. Through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.

Christina Cleary : I, Christina, take you, Craig, to be my best friend and my captain... to be your anchor and your sail... your starboard and your port.

[Claire giggles silently, hiding behind the bouquet that she is holding] 

Jeremy Grey : [mutters]  Well this is a first!

Father O'Neil : And now I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the first mate.

[Claire giggles again] 

[the men are hunting quails in the forest; Secretary Cleary blows his quail whistle] 

Sack Lodge : There's something not right about these guys.

Flip : What do you mean?

Sack Lodge : I mean, it's time to send them home.

Flip : Sack, don't do anything crazy.

Sack Lodge : Just relax. I'm just gonna scare them a little bit.

Flip : All right.

[Sack cocks his rifle and aims it at Jeremy] 

Sack Lodge : [Yells]  TO THE RIGHT!

[Everyone aims and shoots; John and Jeremy screams; John falls to the ground, pulls the trigger, and then shoots Jeremy] 

Jeremy Grey : [Screaming]  Aaaahhh! They got me!

Sack Lodge : [laughs]  Oh, shit!

Jeremy Grey : THEY GOT ME!

John Beckwith : Oh, shit.

Jeremy Grey : I always knew I was never going to be a professional bull fighter, but that's not why I did it.

Jeremy Grey : Oh, that's terrific! Why don't you just feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.

John Beckwith : What?

Jeremy Grey : What do you mean "what"? What a great friend, John. This is completely against the rules. You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. There's no overtime.

John Beckwith : No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me fifty miles to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.

Jeremy Grey : Completely different situation. She was a very, very family-oriented girl. And very into her grandmother.

John Beckwith : Yeah.

Jeremy Grey : [Yells aloud]  *That was my first Asian!*

[the entire room goes silent] 

[Jeremy wakes up in the middle of the night to find Gloria on top of him rubbing her nipples on his face and tying his hands and feet to the bed with rope] 

Gloria Cleary : I've been thinking about what you said and I think the problem is that I'm not being adventurous enough for you.

Jeremy Grey : Gloria, I'm pretty sure that is *not* what I've been saying to you.

Gloria Cleary : [seductively]  Baby, I'm going to make all your fantasies come true.

Jeremy Grey : But this is not fantasy...

[He mumbles and moans as she gags him with his sock, then starts squirming] 

Gloria Cleary : [softly crying]  I love you.

[Jeremy punches Sack, sending him sprawling to the ground] 

Jeremy Grey : Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!

Secretary Cleary : You know she is not just another notch on the old belt.

Jeremy Grey : I don't even wear a belt... Beltless.

Secretary Cleary : [menacingly]  I am a very powerful man.

Jeremy Grey : Yes, you are.

[Cleary pauses meaningfully] 

Secretary Cleary : [cheerfully]  See you for dinner.

Gloria Cleary : Ah! That was amazing.

Jeremy Grey : Yeah, it was really great. We should probably head back so they're not looking for us.

Gloria Cleary : I always knew my first time would be on a beach.

Jeremy Grey : [stunned]  First time? You're a virgin?

Gloria Cleary : Mm-hmm.

Jeremy Grey : Wow.

Gloria Cleary : Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together. I love you.

Jeremy Grey : [bewildered]  I'm sorry?

Jeremy Grey : I feel so tiny in your arms.

Guest at wedding : How tall are you?

Jeremy Grey : Six foot five, but I feel like I'm four feet.

John Beckwith : Get up, you're making us look like pussies.

Jeremy Grey : If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you.

Jeremy Grey : [speaking to Father O'Neil about Gloria]  She's fit for a strait-jacket. This broad's fucked three ways towards the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it! It turns me on.

Jeremy Grey : [in response to the outfit he's wearing]  I'm not even gunna say it, but you know I'm upset.

John Beckwith : Yes. But I think you look good.

Jeremy Grey : You know I don't look good.

[after Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown] 

Jeremy Grey : What happened?

John Beckwith : I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.

Jeremy Grey : [quarterbacking a touch football game]  John! Red seven!

John Beckwith : I don't know what red seven means.

Jeremy Grey : Hot route!

John Beckwith : I don't... What is hot route?

Jeremy Grey : Will you just go stand on the other side please?

Jeremy Grey : [smacks his butt]  Watch me take this on down the road.

John Beckwith : [introducing himself at a wedding reception]  Sanjay Collins.

Jeremy Grey : Chuck Vindaloo. Excited to be here.

John Beckwith : Seamus O'Toole.

Jeremy Grey : Bobby O'Shea.

John Beckwith : I'm ready to get drunk!

[last lines] 

Claire Cleary : We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City.

Gloria Cleary : Yeah!

Jeremy Grey : Yes, we are.

[Gloria and Claire throw up their arms and scream like rock fans at a concert] 

John Beckwith : [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground]  You were awesome... she's buying it, now quit messing around and get up.

Jeremy Grey : [after getting the wind knocked out of him, whispering]  I'm not messing around, I can't breathe.

John Beckwith : Oh, come on, now you're just milking it.

Jeremy Grey : [looks up in disgust, still whispering]  I hate you.

[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front of her father] 

Jeremy Grey : Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us.

[pause] 

Jeremy Grey : I can't be around her.

John Beckwith : Get off your high horse and stop judging people.

Jeremy Grey : I can't take any more of this fucking shit!

[a gunshot is heard from inside the Cleary mansion; Grandma Cleary is chasing Jeremy outside] 

Jeremy Grey : RUN! JOHNNY! She's tryin' to kill me!

[shouting continues] 

Claire Cleary : Grandma!

John Beckwith : Whoa! Whoa!

Jeremy Grey : Get the gun from her!

Secretary Cleary : Put the gun down! Mother, stop!

Jeremy Grey : This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!

John Beckwith : [shocked]  What did you do?

Jeremy Grey : [to Father O'Neil]  I told you that in confidence. That was a confession!

Claire Cleary : What are you talking about?

[Claire demands the truth] 

Claire Cleary : Is that true?

John Beckwith : [hesitates]  No - Well, no, it's... not entirely.

Claire Cleary : No. It's a "Yes" or "No" question.

John Beckwith : I know, but it's complicated.

Claire Cleary : [turns angry]  Yes or No?

[the family looks on John and Jeremy in disbelief] 

Claire Cleary : Yes or No?

John Beckwith : Yes...

[the family is shocked and upset; Claire is at a loss for words] 

John Beckwith : with shades of grey.

Jeremy Grey : [to Gloria]  I'm not perfect. But who are we kidding? Neither are you. And you wanna know what? I dig it!

Jeremy Grey : [Feeling relieved after having been masturbated by Gloria and ejaculated under the dinner table]  Terrific, it was terrific

Jeremy Grey : I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you.

Jeremy Grey : Please don't take a turn to negative town.

Jeremy Grey : I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. Okay? I'm not gonna apologize, I'm a cocksman!

[gets glares from wedding guests] 

John Beckwith : [to wedding guests]  Tourette's.

Jeremy Grey : Phenomenal finger food!

Jeremy Grey : These bacon-wrapped scallops - phenomenal!

Jeremy Grey : You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!

Jeremy Grey : Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!

Jeremy Grey : I don't give a baker's fuck!

Jeremy Grey : That's not how you cut cake, you gotta treat cake like a lady!

Jeremy Grey : Guys, the real enemy here, is the institution of marriage, it unrealistic, it's crazy!

Jeremy Grey , John Beckwith : [deleted scene; at the Chinese wedding]  99 red balloons floating in the summer sky. Panic bells, it's red alert. There's something here from somewhere else. The war machine springs to life. Opens up one eager eye. Focusing it on the sky. The 99 red balloons go by.

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Jane Seymour says Owen Wilson had reservations about their racy Wedding Crashers scene

Just call her Kitty Cat.

In the latest episode of PeopleTV's Couch Surfing , Jane Seymour reminisces about her time playing the seductive matriarch Kathleen Cleary in Wedding Crashers alongside Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn .

"I happen to love this movie. I think it has to be one of the funniest movies ever," she says of the film. Seymour explains that fans stop her all the time to ask her to do her "Kitty Cat" or "motorboat," referring to the unforgettable moment in the film when she seduces Wilson's character, hisses at him, and makes him touch her breasts.

And while the scene was in the script, her hiss was not. "I did that in the audition, it wasn't scripted," she says. "That was my addition to the role. I think that's what got me the role."

When it came time to shoot the scene, though, it was Wilson who was a bit nervous. "For Owen it was a little bit embarrassing," Seymour says. "He did have to put his hands on my breasts, and he looked at me like, 'Oof, how do you feel about this?' And I said, 'Well, Jane Seymour might have a problem [with it], but Kitty Cat doesn't." Meow.

Related content:

• Wedding Crashers director on long-awaited sequel: 'We're having conversations'
• Will's last-minute casting and more Wedding Crashers secrets: Is this really going to work?
• From the EW archives: The story of Wedding Crashers

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Wedding Crashers

Wedding Crashers is a 2005 film about a pair of committed womanizers who sneak into weddings to take advantage of the romantic tinge in the air.

John Beckwith

• There he is, the big guy!
• I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
• I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.
• It's the first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a hail Mary? I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula! Look, we've been to a million weddings and you know what? We've rocked them all.
• You better lock it up.

Jeremy Grey

• Oh please! You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!
• I don't even wear a belt...beltless.
• Rule number 76: no excuses. Play like a champion.
• You go have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood, Team Player!
• Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage five? Virgin? Clinger? Let’s go, I’m gonna start the car, I’m serious, let’s go.
• I don’t think that you’re appreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin, she’s totally off the reservation. I’m terrified of this broad.
• I'm a little too traumatized to enjoy a scone right now.
• I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here.
• I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you. And you want to know what? I dig it.
• It feels so good when he jokes.
• Lock it up!
• The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
• Yeah that, or it could have been the midnight rape, or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night.
• Give me a break! That was my first Asian!
• I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup! I love it on pancakes, I love it on pizza! I love to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
• Proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
• I'm a cocks man!
• You motor-boating son of a bitch, you old sailor you!
• I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid and his name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other every day and bless his heart, Shiloh'd always let me win!
• This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
• I felt like Jodie Foster in 'The Accused'
• I hope you flip your bike over and knock out your two front teeth, you selfish son-of-a-bitch!

Sack's Friends

• Crab cakes and football, that's what Maryland does!
• Are you ready to have the noise brought on you?
• That's what we call a sack lunch! Num-num-num-num-num!

William Cleary

• Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
• You know, she's not just another notch on your belt.
• Now Todd, it wouldn't kill ya to play some competitive sports, once in a while, would it?
• Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!
• Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.
• [ about Todd ] Oh, he says he believes in art, but all I've seen him do is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick!
• Sailor! Good Man.

Todd Cleary

• Death, you are my Bitch Lover!
• I made you a painting ... I call the painting 'Celebration'(shows painting). It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.
• Would that make you love me?!
• I'll be in my room painting homo things.
• I'll pop out at the right moment!
• Let's play tummy sticks.
• We had a moment at the dinner table.
• Jeremy tried to seduce me!

Chaz Reinhold

• What the fuck do you want?
• God darn you! I almost nun-chucked you. You don't even realize!
• I'm just living the dream.
• Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?!
• Hey, Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! The meatloaf!
• What is she doing? I never know what she is doing back there.
• Ma! The meatloaf! Fuck!
• Come on in for the real thing.
• It's like fishing with dynamite.
• Dude died in a hang gliding accident. What an idiot! Ha ha. "A-a-ah! I'm hang-gliding, honey! Take a good picture! I'm dead!" What a freak!
• (Upon finding out that Jeremy is getting married) What?! What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for me and you!
• You're coming with!

Other People

• Wife : You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
• Husband : Yeah, that's right, go comatose for me, baby!
• Grandma : He was a doll! The wife, though, Eleanor, big dyke. Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.
• Chazz's mom : Chazz, there's someone here to see you! And pick up your fucking skateboard!
• Husband : Hey, I got an idea, why don't you just kiss my left nut!\\\\\\

[last lines]

• On July 15, they're coming to your wedding...with or without invitations.
• They're just a couple of guys who need a good wife.
• Hide Your actual IQ rating.
• Life's a Blessing, Remember to Pray.
• Owen Wilson as John Beckwith
• Vince Vaughn as Jeremy Grey
• Christopher Walken as United States Secretary of the Treasury William Cleary
• Rachael McAdams as Claire Cleary
• Isla Fisher as Gloria Cleary
• Jane Seymour as Kathleen "Kitty Kat" Cleary
• Ellen Albertini Dow as "Grandma" Mary Cleary (final film role)
• Keir O'Donnell as Todd Cleary
• Bradley Cooper as Sack Lodge
• Henry Gibson as Father O'Neil
• Ron Canada as Randolph
• Jenny Alden as Christina Cleary
• Will Ferrell ( uncredited ) as Chazz Reinhold
• Doria Baird as Vivian
• Dwight Yoakam and Rebecca De Mornay as Mr. and Mrs. Kroger
• Kathryn Joosten as Mrs. Reinhold
• Richard Riehle ( uncredited ) as Funeral guest

External links

• IMDb: Wedding Crashers
• The Official Site
• Wedding Crashers Motorboat * The Rules

• 2000s American films
• Romantic comedy films
• Films set in Washington, D.C.
• Films about weddings
• Films set in Maryland

• Abbreviations.com
• Anagrams.net
• Biographies.net
• Calculators.net
• Convert.net
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• Phrases.com
• References.net
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Wedding Crashers 2005

Jeremy Grey: You motor-boating son of a b*tch, you old sailor you!

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The Funniest 'Wedding Crashers' Quotes

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• Wedding Crashers
• New Line Cinema

Vote up your favorite movie quotes from ‘Wedding Crashers.’

In 2005, the best  Wedding Crashers  quotes showed this was a very different kind of comedy than what audiences usually got at the time. R-rated romps weren't exactly known for being box office gold, but  Wedding Crashers  found an audience and took it all the way to the bank. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn turned out to be quite the comedic duo. 

The film about two friends who crash weddings and end up falling for two bridesmaids is still an enjoyable watch to this day with plenty of hilarious and famous lines that are instantly quotable. But which one of these  Wedding Crashers  quotes is the best? You get to help decide with your votes.

Which funny  Wedding Crashers  lines are your favorites? With the likes of Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, and Isla Fisher on this list, you can be certain you'll crack a smile as you vote on these quotes. 

The Meat Loaf

Chazz Reinhold: Mom! The meat loaf! F*ck!

In The Trenches Taking Grenades

Jeremy Grey: I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a b*tch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!

Claire Cleary: True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

Jeremy Grey: Share that with the Dalai Lama, jacka**!

Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!

Jeremy Grey:  Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested, I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that a**-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your a** sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip." Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.

Janice: Okay...

Jeremy Grey: Okay, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.

Stage Five Clinger

Jeremy Grey: I've been looking all over for you. I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger.

John Beckwith:  No, no, I need more time.

Jeremy Grey:  Did you hear what I just said to you. Stage five, virgin, clinger. Let's go I'm gonna start the car. I'm serious, let's go... I don't think you're appreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin, she's totally off the reservation. I'm terrified of this broad.

William Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.

I'd Find You

Gloria Cleary: My father warned me about people like you Jeremy, I'm just another notch on your belt.

Jeremy Grey: What are you talking about? It's not like that.

Gloria Cleary:  Then what's it like Jeremy?

Jeremy Grey: No wait! I just feel very strongly that we're starting only to express ourselves in a physically sexual specifically way and I just want to play some catch-up on finding who's inside here.

Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, you're amazing.

Jeremy Grey: I think you're amazing

Gloria Cleary: Don't ever leave me.

Jeremy Grey: Ever.

Gloria Cleary: Good. Because I'd find you.

Girls With Hats

John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.

Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-f*cked the sh*t out of me.

John Beckwith: Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.

Play Like A Champion

Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this sh*t? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.

John Beckwith: Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.

Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!

Kill Some Birds

Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.

Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a f*cking problem with that?

Jeremy Grey: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

I Call It 'Celebration'

Todd Cleary: I made you a painting. I call it "Celebration." It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.

Rollin' a Fatty

Jeremy Grey: Does anyone know what this here is used for?

Little Boy: Rollin' a fatty?

Jeremy Grey: No... Not for... Where'd you learn that?

10 Percent Of Our Hearts

John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.

The Painting Was a Gift

Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!

Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.

Call Me 'Kitty Kat'

Kathleen Cleary: I just had my t*ts done. You like 'em?

John Beckwith:  Those... seem like lovely t*ts.

Kathleen Cleary: William doesn't give a sh*t about my t*ts.

John Beckwith: Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden...

Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came here.

John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary, I don't...

Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.

John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.

Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".

John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat. This feels borderline inappropriate.

Kathleen Cleary: Feel them.

John Beckwith: What?

Kathleen Cleary: I said feel them!

John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...

Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.

John Beckwith: I'm sorry, Kitty Kat, are you out of your f*cking mind?

Kathleen Cleary: I'm not letting you out of this room until you feel them.

[John feels her boobs. Kathleen moans softly.]

John Beckwith: Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like. It's amazing what they can do...

[Kathleen shudders and puts her blouse back on.]

Kathleen Cleary: Pervert!

First Asian

Jeremy Grey: Completely different situation. She was a very, very family-oriented girl. And very into her grandmother.

John Beckwith: Yeah.

Jeremy Grey:  That was my first Asian!

Touch Football

John Beckwith: What are you doing? It's a game of touch, every time I look over you're on your a** again.

Jeremy Grey: If I had an air in my lungs, I'd scream at you.

John  Beckwith:  Oh now you're going to blame me because you're not athletic enough to stay on your own two feet?

Jeremy Grey: I hate you.

Sorry I'm Late

John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.

Jeremy Grey: No problem.

John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.

Jeremy Grey: Apology accepted.

John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means.

Jeremy Grey: John, it's Okay. Do you mind if I get married now?

Her Boyfriend Just Died

Chazz Reinhold: Yeah, her boyfriend just died. Dude died in a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot! "Aaaahhh, I'm hang-gliding! Take a good picture, honey, I'm dead!"

Crabcakes and Football

Flip: Yeah! Crabcakes and Football. That's what Maryland does!

Faithful for Two of Them

John Beckwith: How long have you and the Secretary been married?

Kathleen Cleary: 30 years next April.

John Beckwith: That's beautiful.

Kathleen Cleary: Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them.

Love Doesn't Exist

John Beckwith: [To children] Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either.

It's Not Halloween

John Beckwith:  It's the first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a hail Mary? I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula! Look, we've been to a million weddings and you know what? We've rocked them all.

Go Comatose

Mr. Kroeger: That's it! Go comatose for me, baby.

• Wedding Crashers (2005)
• Entertainment
• Movie Quotes
• Watchworthy

The greatest, funniest, and most iconic movie and TV quotes from your all-time favorite comedies (and a few you probably haven’t seen).